Friday, October 5, 2018

Finally Friday

Hello, Internet. Long and grumpy post ahead.

I've missed you! I miss blogging when I had good ideas.

Some things have gone well.

Fifth grade used Seesaw to start making sort of like Reading Rainbow type booktalk videos. The hope is they will, about once a month, make more and comment on friends. To sort of build a reading community and practice talking about books and find new titles? We were going to use Flipgrid but since our district bought Seesaw for two years we figured we should try that. I loved them. That was awesome chaos.

If you are on IG and saw my post ... I love the book Grumpy Monkey.

I made some Batty for Books bookmarks with an image from Educlips. I have so many Halloween images I could go super crazy if I had the inspiration. Her image is cute. The phrase Batty for Books is not super creative but kids like them.

I took a personal day today. Initially it was totally for catching up on doc calls and cleaning but ended up being more about self care and sleep. But then I don't know if it was allergies or a cold ... one or the other. Or if it was the need for self-care manifesting itself physically again. Rotten sore throat and cough and voice. So anyway. Twelve hours last night plus a nap.

Internet, I'm not sure how much longer I will be doing this. I've loved this job for so long but it is affecting my health so negatively anymore I don't know what else to do. Had to go into counseling ("Therapy is cool"?) and she has suggested I think about leaving because so much of what I mention  is just out of my control. I love when kids get excited about books. I love when kids get excited about learning. I love when kids get excited about tech. But the job I'm in now is not the same one I had five years ago. (Same place ... just not the same.)

1) I'm highly allergic to mold. A leaky ceiling for years? Second week of school a worker showed me a pic of inside our ceiling. Black and green all down a beam about 60 feet in length. Right next to the HVAC vents. He was arguing with someone on the phone about not passing this off. Can I get a straight answer since then? No. I'm the only one in the room all the time. Everyone else pops in and out. But a body constantly on the alert? Not helpful.

2) My whole body hurts. Like I feel beat up most of the time and I am 44. That is ... that's not super old. It's really not. I used to do half marathons. I wasn't fast but I did them. Now I need 9+ hours of sleep a day and am still yawning and dragging and I can hardly finish a book. Stress has taken that from me. I literally ... I came back to school and by about 4 days later could barely walk. People noticed and it was mortifying. Eased up a bit after a week or two but was so painful. Was that inhaling all the mold again after a summer away? I felt so much better this summer, guys, it wasn't even funny. I still needed a lot of sleep but the body pain and forgetfulness and fuzzy head ... it was better over the summer. I started to feel like me again. But they are not DOING anything about it. Air quality people claim there is not enough of a problem.

3) The negativity. And here I am contributing. I isolated myself from staff last year when I lost my assistant and couldn't ever get out of the library like even for lunch. I tried this year and ended up sitting by myself as they take chairs and move them to other tables. Or making me wish I was sitting by myself for the mean conversations I overheard.

4) I don't know anymore if it's my expectations or theirs but in the end ... it's what I want. My expectations are my expectations. Y'all that have been going without assistants for years and years and still manage a smile and to make it look easy ... HOW? It is SO HARD. Being stuck at the checkout desk is boring. Self checkout is not fun and it doesn't work. They are kids. YOUNG kids. If the staff can't deal with it how are kids going to? I don't understand why there are so many issues (is it our dumb network? I swear if we get the white no internet screen one more time I will scream!) I am always having to run over there to fix issues. Always. Always. Always. Always. Very very very few staff have bothered to learn how to check in or out books and even with them there are so many problems and I still have to run over there all the time. I want to be in a library where I'm out helping kids find books and teaching lessons and an awesome assistant runs the checkout. And the awesome assistant can help kids when I am busy with a class so that I don't have to stop and repeat seven times "I have a class, if you can't follow the self checkout poster you'll have to come back later." Is there such a place anymore?

5) Teachers don't send down their books. I send cheery reminders a couple times via instant messages throughout the day (because I know they are not sitting at their computers. I KNOW THAT) and still nothing. Or the class walks in with books and thinks I can check in books, help them find books, and help kids check out books all at the same time? Or they don't come and then want to reschedule? I know they are overwhelmed, too. But I can't go around to every class and I can't get student helpers so ...

6) The counselor thinks that this constant need to prove ourselves and tell the library story and reach every kid can be kind of damaging. That maybe I've internalized it too far. That is possible. Heaven knows I say "I am ONE person" enough times in a day. I should remember it myself. But there are so many kids.

Grumpy post out. I'll be too embarrassed to come back to the blog for a while now.